Yes, now I am at the verge of some realisation. Continuity of the life is looking like -----. Experiences are in my attitude and in my brain. In other words, now I am living my experiences. This is a quite different and spectacular journey. However still I am a student but now feeling more than a student.
I was a dreamer. I liked to be that. I enjoyed being in dreams. Now I am mentally matured and I know some thing real from the inner side of my spirit.
I was in a life which can be characterized as a gift from god. It was on me that how to get the maximum output from. There were many ways in the brain but nothing was on the ground and so eventually everything was appearing virtual and which finally proved. My dreams became a pile of dust. I was in bewildered situation. I did not know, if I was not choosing my specialized field then what I should do.
Finally my gut appeared and I was in the bus to Jhunjhunu. This whole story had many twists and turns including some emotional failure. I was failed because nothing was good with me despite I was mentally strong for positivity and was not ready to do any thing wrong? Emotionally failed may be appearing a big word but yeah I am writing this here.
I don’t know about how I got this competency, but I have great magnitude of empathy. I like the persons as they are. The thing which was wrong with me that I had positive expectations from everyone. Few time some expectations broken and it draw me to emotional failure.
Finally that story was a past and I was in Jhunjhun, the centre of the Shekhawti. Something was messed up there but the relations were emerging. We were becoming the friends with each other. We discussed about interests and comparing each other for compatibility. The some hearts were joined together and some were broken up. After all, the journey at the Lal Kothi was running at full pace.
Then, I had clear objective that I had to prepare of UPSC. I was there to understand the dynamics of societies and to understand the psychology of different kind of persons. I wanted to understand the societies which were worst affected by the bad traditions and orthodoxy. I was here to give some relaxation to my cerebral cortex. I was here to live in some peace. I was here to contribute and to learn something about education which is the epicentre of the society. And finally I was there to live in solitude and to explore myself.
The induction period was full of new experiences. I was in some different planet. I had been never thought of so light and spectacular ways for serious realization. After many ups and down we were ready to walk together.
Oh my god, me as a teacher? I never thought that I would be struggling with small kids. I never thought about class management and learning quality. Sometimes I got frustrated but on the next day i was excellent in my job. But really those were memorable moments of my life. I was trying to turn the each stone to understand the children and there psychology. It took approximate 20 days for me to understand the16 children. I was feeling that I had vivid skill for pedagogy and I was marking an impact on children. The wonderful thing for me was the children were learning the things with fun and they were happy. I was excelling myself in pedagogy. I was much excellent teacher for upper classes. I had empathy with children which powered my skills of pedagogy. I shared many interesting moments and accidents with my partner Habiba Insaf. Her psychology and my engineering was the main reason behind our cold relations in later period of the induction. But I was happy with induction. The main thing what I learnt was that I realized that child always apply his full intensity to learn any thing.
“Guruji tame fir koni ayo?”
“Aaunga”
I left the school filled with tears. The consolidation of LQ tried to fill some dramatic skills inside me. I was already singing and now I was playing.
Now, it was the time for honeymoon. Yeah! a new adventure was waiting for me, Village Immersion. A life with tied hands to consume anything. I had only Rs 200 in my ballet. My cell phone was off. The period of 26 days were real test for my motivation and honestly and I failed. I visited town for 4 times. But still I am grading my self with A+ for my struggle with village life and for an inner urge to contribute something for children and society. There, I had only one thing with me that was my motivation and knowledge but after 1 month I was a well known face in the village. My repo was positive and that was a little bit satisfaction for me. First night horror incident and clash with a snake were some memorable moments. I was celebrating my 23rd birthday in raining water. My changes were satisfactory and the most important thing was, I woke up the feeling of ownership for the school in children’s mind. But now that school is again struggling with lack of leaders.
After VI the 15 days at Vrinda Van were amazing. Solitude and peace was spread every where.
Personal Reflection did not fulfill my expectations and it appeared as a boring event but that could be better with some interventions. We came to know some thing about each other but later part was a disappointment.
After that the time was on for ASP (Academic Support Program), our real job. But this was the time for partition of the groups. Our friends were going to Mumbai. But we were happy and excited about the next events.
EI assessment, again it was a busy schedule for me. It made me mentally tired. Conducting three ‘volunteer training sessions’ alone and then managing volunteers followed by supervising them was too busy for me and I was mentally and physically tired.
But today I am feeling that I am still Saurabh only because parents tagged me with this name else I am changed a lot. However these 5 months have been with ups and downs but still I am doing something.
I have many questions which always being flooded in brain.
What is my Objective?
Where we are as a team?
Am I getting proper scope to work with full capacity?
Is 3 month Induction must be compulsory to every one who joins Kaivalya so that he would be immersed in reality?
How much Important is smart working?
Should we count hours during working or impact?
How much value we give to smart working?
Why we compare hours in smart and hard working?
Why we not evaluate things on the basis of Impact?
Why our thoughts don’t appear on the ground?
How we can be more focussed on school improvement?
Our schools are commonly not the priority of our discussion. Why?
Why we are not so well connected even working in small groups?
What is our actual curriculum?
What maximum I can do for Kaivalya?
Where I am going after two year or what will be my future?
Is still UPSC is my target or some transformation is happening with me?
How to satisfy my parents and relatives about my fellowship and learning?
Am I missing my old friends or still they are in the corner of my heart?
Will my skills be conserved or I will lose them with time or those skills will be transforming into other skill by shifting of frame?
I am mentally socially and spiritually changed. I am still highly faithful for my relations even now I have more broad understanding of relations. Now I know how to balance emotions however still I am in shaky situation but now I can control emotions. My loves are still same. My motivation got stronger with time and commitment is at its most.
But now I am remembering my initial objective which was to understand education system and most important development sector so that I can work honestly and smartly in future jobs. But I am lagging behind. I need some boosters to motivate myself so that I can fulfil my both objectives.
Now I believe that there are always good solutions for each problem, the only thing we need is to think and act.
Now I have a platform and can propel myself. But who knows the future? Who knows about tomorrow? But I know who am I?
Thank You.
