Reasons for my sentimental behavior.

It is not love that makes the world go around, but rather those mutually supportive alliances through which partners recognize their dependence on each other for the achievement of shared and private goals.

 Sentiments are highly valuable for everyone. Some people try to hide their sentiments, but it is not easy. Our whole life runs on some types of sentiments. I have learnt how to hold my sentiments, however if things get overloaded then it is impossible to me to control my emotions.

I love everyone. If I like u, it doesn't mean that I want anything from you, I am capable on my own and I am able to manage my needs however I want fair behavior, there must be no aparthseim no discrimination, and no manmade boundaries.  For me love is especially important to survive. If I tell u that "I love, you" it doesn't mean that I am trying to exploit u. This is simply state of mental attachment. I do not wish that the persons to whom I love should help me financially or they should make any long-term relation with me. I want only simple thing from them that they should accept me equally in society and support my moral. For me love is already a long-term relation to live. I believe in following this holy bond of humanity. 

This true nature of love I inherited from my parents because they love me excessively. I learnt the whole sentiments of my life at various stages. My parents gave birth to 7 children of those only three survived bcz of lack of medical facilities. We are three siblings in which my elder brother is suffering with frontal lobe damage and hence he is mentally retarred, my sister is pretty minded, but her progress halted by lack of education facilities. All of us were late children of my parents hence there has been an urgency for success. I got excellent brain as a gift from God; however, it has been deteriorated with time due to different mental problems but still I am highly educated person because I have progressive thinking which is the main aim of education. Although my parents tried to provide good facilities to everyone, but they didn't know that my brother was suffering with down syndrome, obviously no efforts were fruitful for him. He also tried his best what he could do. During my childhood I was not aware of this problem, so I always tried to prove him inferior. With time I grew up and my awareness improved then I understood the problem. I was very embraced. Suddenly I started to feel burden. I decided that I would try fight everywhere for him, for his equal social acceptance. He tried his best what he could do. He can read books both in Hindi as well as in English. He is highly success full in his capabilities. Now nothing of his behavior looks bad to me. I participated in high school exams of UP board at his place. It was extremely hard for me to pass exams in Hindi medium, but somehow, I managed 64% marks without any preparation. I don't know I did good or bad, but he is my brother, and he also deserves eqval acceptance by society. This was the most awesome thing for him which boosted his morale. But now conditions are worsening for him. He couldn't manage to pass 12th grade. Now he is highly inclined towards gods. He always asks me "Chhote mujhe America ghumana hai". I dont know I could be able to complete his desire before my death. Now he is married, somehow my parents managed it. Bcz of good nature of my family he got his wed and the best moment of my life was that when my bhabhi gave birth to a smart son. I am very happy that he is normal. After his birth our family decided to opt one child norm and I will also have to follow this so obviously to maintain gender equality I am praying to God a daughter for me. 

Rest, for me life has been complicated but I never felt any complicity. Every step of progress looked natural to me. I was highly inclined towards education during childhood specially towards math. Gk was my second favorite subject. Those days are still in my memory when many times I went to school only in underwear at my village. During summer we wandered entire day in field with cows and goats. Bathing in dirty ponds and canal was everyday activity. Many times, I passed my whole day on the Blueberry trees. During those days one small mango was shared between 5 of us. Me, my brother and three of my cousins. All these things didn't stop me from education. I wanted to be a noble laureate. However, lack of updated facilities and motivation halted my progress. Half of my study I did in lantern's and Diya's light. Usually, I had to go to the field with animals to pasture them. After school. Radio was my best friend; I was a great fan of cricket. Still I was very fast in study. But after childhood I never tried for intensive study, I oriented myself towards analytical knowledge. However, my parents were educated but not so aware and they had never tried to look upon my actual progress. Due to habitation at different background, I suffered behavioral problems at initial stage everywhere. Somehow without any much study my progress was excellent. I had been always searching some friends who could motivate me but as bad luck my all-good friends were the bad boy of the class. During 10th class I was thinking of opting commerce stream for my career and wanted to be chartered accountant but surprising, good performance in 10th class examination inclined me towards science. My parents wanted to see me as a doctor and hence I opted biology as my main subject and due to my special interest on math I opted this also. From here complexity of my life started, I suffered sharp deterioration in eyesight. I badly failed in all unit test in 11th class but with the start of 12th class I recovered many things. End term was great sorrow for me, and I choked badly. However, I participated in PMT and succeeded. I got a seat for MBBS at GSVM Kanpur but then I felt my interest on math and tried for engineering and reached to IIT Roorkee. Here whole story has been mixed. I lived some of the best moment of the life. My parents feel very happy when I tell them that my classmates are CBSE toppers and majority are those who scored 90%. They feel highly surprised by this because in my village students struggle for 33%. There without cheating it is impossible to pass. 

My Father is a primary teacher so obviously there is not affluence of resources, this thing halted the education of my sister, and she has been deprived of quality education, however she is going to be graduate this year (B. Sc.). All above story and complexity made me highly sentimental towards life. I have seen many parents but never such parents who are doing professional jobs despite working hard in farms. Whenever I am at home, I tried to help them in best possible ways. I am very happy that helping my parents in agriculture is made me expert in these activities. But main thing is that the different experiences are not proving productive for me. Last time I went to home, father told me that "beta meri naukari ke 2 saal bache hain, inhi mein se tum kuchh kar lo, han inhi 2 saal mein surabhi(my sister) ki saadi bhi karni hai banki tumhare bahi ki jindagi bhi tumhare havale hai, usako kabhi nahi chhodna vo akele nahi jee payega". This sentence made turbulent.Sometimes I cried. What my parents got for their whole life sacrifices, If a family who is earning apxmate 40,000 per month in a village do not have color TV, even a radio at home. Why my parents did so much for me? even there is not any radio at home, but they gave me a laptop. What I did here to fulfill their hope? and what I could do? and so many questions. But then I thought that what options I have now. IIT Roorkee has given me only a hanging career. I have knowledge and progressive thinking so I can manage the whatever existing resources I have. I am preparing for civil service, but I am not 100% sure about success.  All these situations have not been able to damage my confidence. The last 6 month of college life, normally which are the best for students have been worst for me. I do not have satisfactory career, many of my friends are sad because they are unemployed. Becoming sad is just a mental state and any one can be happy or sad at any moment in life. 

All above situations improved my sentiments. I have already got a diverse psychic experience, which is why I am overly sensitive towards people's behavior. Normally I do not try to create any dispute with anyone, I like everyone as he/ she is, but i hate selfish behavior. If I like you or you are my friend, it doesn't mean that I want something from you, I think if I am your friend then I deserve equal behavior and warmness in relations as all your friends. Social discrimination hearts me the most and normally I can't afford this. For me, there is no caste and religion in this world then why we should create different boundaries between persons. For me every person is equally important, so everyone deserves equal love from me. Rest life will run automatically. As mental ability is the only asset I have, so, if anybody try to torture me mentally, I hate him the most, and to protect me from such condition I always try to behave everyone nicely with love and warmness. No disputes for me last more than one second. All these are my sentiments. 


I am very sad, and my eyes are filled with tears.


Thank You....